Editor note: As a former member of the hard-kicking and hard-drinking kickball team The Toxic Shockers, I was privileged enough to play under the watchful of eye of Gary the Umpire, who brought mirth, merriment, and a respect for the rules to what’s an often crass and competitive kickball field. I’m only going to post the first and last few paragraphs of the email Gary sent out regarding his unfortunately dismissal and the sorry events leading up to it. Please cross post this — I’ll forward the entire email — and write/ phone/ email your Park Board Members. Cuz’ this is some fucking bullshit.
Dear Minneapolis Park Board Member and/or Kickball enthusiast,
For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been officiating adult co-recreational kickball games for the city of Minneapolis for the last four or five years after numerous seasons as a softball umpire. And while not meaning to sound immodest, during those years I’ve been fortunate enough to win the near unanimous approval of the players through my unique style—combining umpiring with a self-provided public address system and a little wit—to the extent that one of the first questions many teams have asked when they’ve called in to re-register their teams for a new spring, summer or fall league is “Is Gary Still The Ref?” or “What night is Gary working?”
Well, up until just yesterday, the answer to that question would have been an unequivocal every night, Sunday through Thursday, as the league’s former kickball commissioner, Jason Eisold, was only all too happy to schedule me across the board, handling virtually every game in every league for the last few seasons, including this one, while saying on more than one occasion, “Gary you’re the best ambassador we have for Minneapolis kickball,” and “don’t ever take a night off you’re irreplaceable.” And our leagues have flourished.
Then something happened. We got a new commissioner, and not only did my nightly reports on field conditions start going unacknowledged and unaddressed, but so did my reports about the verbally abusive and profane antics of two well-fortified beer drinking individuals on one very intense team, Balz Out, which has been playing on Thursday nights this summer, and on other nights for years.
Why am I telling you all this? Because these two individuals, combined with a comatose commissioner who failed to act and sanction these individuals earlier this summer, now want to see me removed as your umpire for the remainder of the season on both Wednesday nights (despite the fact the schedule had already been drawn up so that another official worked all of Balz Out’s games), and on Monday nights, because (get this) the fiance of one of these two individuals is the manager of one of the teams in that league.
[snip]
Sincerely,
Gary Vice
Kickball Umpire
P.S. As some of you know, I’ve written a number of columns for espn.com as a correspondent covering the Minnesota Twins and Timberwolves, and I’ve been collecting anecdotes all season in preparation of writing a free lance article for a local publication featuring many of our experiences playing a kids’ game. Well I think the story just got more interesting. (And this chapter ain’t over. ) Thank you, everyone, in advance for your efforts. I hope you will forward this memo to all the players on your team in hopes many will choose to comment. I will be most interested in hearing what you have to tell the park board, so please copy me with your correspondence.
The current kickball commissioner is Jack Bartsh (612-230-6492) and his email address is jbartsh@minneapolisparks.org
His boss is Kent Brevik (612-230-6495) and his email address is kbrevik@minneapolisparks.org
And the following are Park Board commissioners:
Mary Merrill Anderson (612-230-6443 #7) is a commissioner at large and her email address is mmerrillanderson@minneapolisparks.org
M. Annie Young (612-230-6443 #9) is also a commissioner at large and her email address is ayoung@minneapolisparks.org
Tom Nordyke (612-230-6443 #8) is also a commissioner at large and his email address is Thorndike@minneapolisparks.org
Walt Dziedzic (612-230-6443 #1) is commissioner of district one.
Jon Olson (612-230-6443 #2) is the board president and commissioner of district two.
Scott Vreeland (612-721-7892) is commissioner of district three and his email address is svreeland@minneapolisparks.org
Tracy Nordstrom (612-230-6443 #4) is the board vice president and commissioner of district 4 and her email address is tnordstrom@minneapolisparks.org
Carol A. Kummer (612-230-6443 #5) is the commissioner of district five and her email address is ckummer@minneapolisparks.org
Bob Fine (612-230-6443 #6) is the commissioner of district six and his email address is bfine@minneapolisparks.org